• Daily joke 3/9/2022

     

    *Which hand is better to paint with?

    Neither! A paintbrush is better.

    * What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?

    Nacho cheese!

    *Why does the moon say she doesn’t want to eat?

    “She’s full.”

    * What goes up but doesn’t come back down?*

    Your age.

    *Where do fish keep their money?

    In the riverbank.

    * Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?

    Santa Jaws.

    *What always comes at the beginning of a parade?

    The letter “P.”

    * What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?

    “Where’s popcorn?”

    *Who delivers Christmas presents to dogs?

    Santa Paws.

    *What happened after the shark got famous?

    He became a starfish.

    *Why was the cookie sad?

    Because his mom was a wafer so long.

    *How does a cucumber become a pickle?

    It goes through a jarring experience.

    *Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?

    Because they might peel!

    *What did the egg say to another egg?

    “Have an eggselent day!”

    * What do knights do when they are scared of the dark?

    They turn on the knight light!

    * Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

    Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.

    * What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

    A stick.

    * What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?

    “Long time, no sea.”

    *What did the duck say to the comedian?

    “You quack me up.”

    *Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?

    To go with the traffic jam!

    *What do piggies use when they have an infection?

    Antibiotic oinkment.

    *What did the buffalo say when his son left?

    “Bison!”

    *Why did the Scottish man have plumbing issues?

    He only had bagpipes.

    *Where does Superman’s wife drive?

    Lois’ lane.

    *What did Aquaman say to his kids when they wouldn’t eat their food?

    “Water you waiting for?”

    *What did the broccoli say to the celery?

    “Quit stalking me.”

    *What’s a king’s favorite kind of weather?

    Reign.

    *Don’t leave any food around your computer.

    It takes a lot of bytes.

    *Why were bikes suspended from school?

    They spoke too much.

    *What time is it when a ball goes through the window?

    Time to get a new window.

    * Why can’t your hand be 12 inches long?

    Because then it would be a foot.

    *If you take your watch to be fixed, make sure you don’t pay upfront.

    Wait until the time is right.

    * What do you call a dog magician?

    A labracadabrador.

    *What did the traffic light say to the car?

    “Don’t look. I’m about to change.”

    *What did one DNA strand ask the other DNA strand?

    “Do these genes look OK?”

     *Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

    They each got six months.

    * What do you call a sad strawberry?

    A blueberry.

    *What do you call a cow with no legs?

    Ground beef!

    *Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

    Because the “P” is silent.

    *What’s a skeleton’s favorite instrument?

    A trom-bone.

    *How do elves learn how to spell?

    They study the elf-abet.

    *Where do hamburgers go dancing?

    A meat ball.

    *Why are ghosts such bad liars?

    You can see right through them.

    *How do billboards talk?

    Sign language.

    *How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?

    Shocked!

    *How do you know when a bike is thinking?

    You can see its wheels turning.

    *What event do spiders love to attend?

    Webbings.

    *What did the mother elephant say to her kids when they weren’t behaving?
    “Tusk, tusk.”

    *What are bald sea captains most worried about?
    Cap sizes.

    *What do you call a retired vegetable?
    A has-bean.

    *What gets wetter the more it dries?
    A towel.

    *Where do hamburgers go dancing?
    A meatball.

    *What’s blue and smells like red paint?
    Blue paint.

    *How do elves learn how to spell?
    They study the elf-abet.

    *Why were bikes suspended from school?
    They spoke too much.

    *What kind of music do balloons hate?
    Pop.

      *What’s red and bad for your teeth?
    A brick.

    *What did the mother elephant say to her kids when they weren’t behaving?
    “Tusk, tusk.”

    * What are bald sea captains most worried about?
    Cap sizes.

    * What do you call a retired vegetable?
    A has-bean.

    * What gets wetter the more it dries?
    A towel.

    *Where do you learn to make ice cream?
    Sundae school.

    *Why did the tomato blush?
    Because it saw the salad dressing.

    *Why couldn’t the duck pay for dinner?
    Her bill was too big.

    *What kind of tree fits in your hand?
    A palm tree.

    *What did Jack say to Jill after they rolled down the hill?
    “I think I spilled the water.”

    *Why are ghosts such bad liars?
    You can see right through them.

    *What animal dresses up and howls?
    A wearwolf.

    * What’s red and bad for your teeth?
    A brick.

    *What did the mother elephant say to her kids when they weren’t behaving?
    “Tusk, tusk.” 

    *Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
    There are too many ears.

    * Where do you find a dog with no legs?
    Right where you left him!

    *What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
    Do you smell carrots?

    *How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
    You rocket.

     * What did the fisherman say to the magician?
    “Pick a cod, any cod.”

    * Why did the cookie go to the doctor’s office?
    He was feeling crummy.

    * What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race?
    Nothing. They fast.

    * Why do bowling pins have such a hard life?
    They’re always getting knocked down.

    * Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
    Just in case he got a hole in one.

    *Where were pencils invented?
    PENCIL-vania.

    *Why are penguins socially awkward?
    Because they can’t break the ice.

    * How much does a pirate pay for corn?
    A BUCK-aneer.

    * Why can’t you trust zookeepers?
    They love cheetahs. 

    *Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
    I just picked it up as I went along.

    * Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
    There are hundreds of fans.

    *Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
    None, only babies.

    *Why didn’t the lamp sink?
    It was too light.

    *Why do vampires seem sick?
    They’re always coffin.

    *Where do cows go on Dec. 31st?
    A moo year’s eve party.

    *What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
    You can tune a guitar but you can’t tuna fish.

    *What did the sink say to the potty?
    “You look flushed!”

    *What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
    Hiss-tory.

    *Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much as a kid?
    He was a little Thor.

    *What kind of music do mummies listen to?
    Wrap music.

    *What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
    Cash ew.

     *What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
    Roll them back.

     *What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
    Time to duck.

    * Why are fish so smart?
    Because they live in schools.

    * How do snails fight?
    A: They slug it out.

    * What is a deer with no eyes called?
    <shrugs>     No “eye-deer” (idea)

     * What’s a snake’s favorite subject?
    Hiss-tory.

     * How does a squid go into battle?
    Well armed.

    * What did the marlin say to the swordfish?

    You're looking sharp...

    * What do you get when you cross a magician and a Labrador? 

    A Labracadabrador!...

    * What happens if it rains cats and dogs? 

    You need to watch for poodles...

    *What do you call a toothless bear? 

    A Gummy bear...

    * How many famous men and women were born on your birthday? 

    None, only babies...

     * What is the longest word in the dictionary?

    Smiles, because there are miles between each "s".

    *What stays in a corner and travels all over the world?

    A stamp...

    * What race is never run?

    A swimming race...

    * Why did the little boy throw his clock out the window?

    Because he wanted to see time fly... 

    * What did the fisherman say to the magician?

    Pick a cod.. any cod...

    * Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?

    She will let it go...

    * How does Darth Vader like his toast?

    On the dark side...

    * What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

    The same middle name...

    * Why is Peter Pan always flying around?

    Because he Never Lands...

    *Why do cats make terrible storytellers?

    They only have one tail ...

    *What music frightens balloons?

    Pop music!

    *Did you hear about the kidnapping in the park? 

    They woke him up...

    *What did the fisherman say to the magician?

    Pick a cod, any cod...

    *Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

    In case he got a hole in one...

     * What did the policeman say to his belly button?

    You're under a vest...

    * What did one toilet say to another toilet?

    You look flushed...

    * What stays in a corner and travels all over the world?

    A stamp...

    * Why was the broom late?

    It overswept...

     * Did you hear the joke about the roof?

    Never mind, it's over your head...

    * What has two legs but can't walk?

    A pair of pants...

    * What did the traffic light say to the car?

    Don't look, I'm about to change...

    * What does a cloud wear under its raincoat?

    Thunderwear...

     * Why can't Cinderella play soccer?

    Because she's always running away from the ball...

      *What do you say when you lose a Wii game?

    I want a Wii-match... 

    * What room does not have doors?

    A mush-room...

    * What did the fisherman say to the magician?

    Pick a cod.. any cod...

    * Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?

    She will let it go...

    * What did one toilet say to the other toilet?

    You look flushed...

     

     

    Meditation Links

            Morning Guided Meditation with Deepak Chopra

     10 Minute Mindfulness Meditation
     
     5 Minute Break - Office Yoga

    Office Break - Yoga - 15 minute 

     8-hour Tabletop water fountain

    Baby Panda Party 

    20 Minutes Guided Stress Relief Meditation

    Yoga for TEXT neck

    10 Minute Morning Meditation

    20 Minute Easy Qigong Routine

     Hand exercises for computer users - prevention 

    Bamboo Flute Music - Meditation - play in background while stretching your: Neck, Shoulder, Upper Back - Yoga stretches for offic

    Native American Flute and Rain Sounds   

    8 Hours Hang Drum Music - play in the background

    24/7 Relaxing music, calm, anxiety, study - play in the background

    10 Minute Guided - Mindfulness Meditation

    1 HR Koshi Chimes - Gentle Meditation Music - Calm Anxiety

    20 Minute Power Nap - With ALARM

    Tai Chi for Beginners (fundamentals)

    60 Minute Deep Stretch Yoga Class

    60 Minute Bikram Yoga - + Guided Meditation - Dr. Hjalmby

     20 Minute Guided Meditation for Reducing Anxiety and Stress

     30 Minute Power Nap for Energy, Productivity and Memory

     Tibetan Bowls - 10 hours - Relaxation Music for Stress Relief,  Meditation, Yoga, Sleep

    Mindfulness Meditation for Kids - Breathing Exercise

     Deep Sleep Music, 24/7, Calming, Sleep, Insomnia Music

    Jin Shin Jytsu-Japanese finger holds for relaxation and harmony 

     

     

     

    Star Trek Trivia 8/5/2021 - answers at the bottom by # of trivia

     1) What is Mr. Chekov's first name? 

    Anton, Vladimir, Gustav, Pavel

    2) Which species was the first to discover warp drive?

    Borg, Klingon, Vulcan, Humans

    3) Which Star Trek actor originally devised the Klingon language?

    Leonard Nimoy, Michael Ansara, James Doohan, Mark Lenard

    4) What Star Trek character was labeled as "unknown sample" when 

    discovered by Bajoran scientists?

    Khan Noonien Singh, Seven of Nine, Data, Odo 

     5)  What future Starfleet Captain survived the Battle of Wolf 359?

    Jonathan Archer, Benjamin Sisko, James T. Kirk, Kathryn Janeway

    6) Which of the following was not a founding species of the 

    Federation of Planets? Vulcans, Bajorans, Andorians, Tellarites

    7) Which alien race did Ronald Reagan say reminded him of Congress?

    Vulcans, Borg, Klingon, Ferengi

    8) Which Star Trek captain has an artificial heart?

    Spock, Tuvok, Sarek, T'Pol

    9) What character was adopted by the Vulcan ambassador Sarek?

    Sylvia Tilly, Spock, Sybok, Michael Burnham

    10) Who serves as the communications officer in the final episode of Star Trek: The Original Series?

    Lt. Baldavin, Lt. Rand, Lt. Uhura, Lt. Lisa

    11) What actress turned down the role Seven of Nine four times? 

    Hudson Lieck, Claudia Christian, Jeri Ryan, Jolene Blalock  

    12) What actor from Star Trek: The Original series,  lost his right middle finger during WW II?

    Leonard Nimoy, Deforrest Kelly, George Takei, James Doohan

    13) What is Lieutenant Uhura's first name?

    Katura, Nayomai, Ayana, Nyota

    14) What is Deanna Troi's favorite food?

    Uttaberries, Jakarine pudding, Chocolate, Betazed oysters

    15) What ship is Sulu on when he is promoted to captain?

    U.S.S. Excelsior, U.S.S.Yamaguchi, U.S.S.Bradbury, U.S.S. Excelsior

    16) What character dies in the series finale of Star Trek: Enterprise? 

    Phlox, Hoshi, T'Pol, Trip

    17) Which Star Trek captain suffers from androgenic alopecia?

    Jean-Luc Picard, Jonathan Archer, James T. Kirk, Kathryn Janeway

    18) Which of the following was not a founding species of the Federation of Planets?

    Tellarites, Bajorans, Vulcans, Andorians  

     19) What weapon did Kirk and Spock use when they fought for possession of T'Pring

    during Spock's Pon Farr ritual in "Amok Time"?

    Lirpa, Mortaes, Mekleth, Kabar

     20) Who was originally cast as Kathryn Janeway?

    Judi Dench, Genevie've Bujold, Catherine Deneuve, Sophia Loren 

    21) Which of the following is an intelligent species of turtles?

    Ktarians, Ardnana, Rigellians, Betazoids

    22) Which character serves as the head of Security for Deep Space Nine?

    Worf, Kiera Nyrs, Benjamin Sisko, Odo

    23) Who created the Bajoran wormhole?

    The Archons, The Founders, The Prophets, The Elders

    24) What type of weapons technology does a phaser use?

    Antimatter, particle beam, zero-point energy, plasma

    25) In Star Trek Nemesis: What did Shinzon use to assassinate the entire Romulan senate? 

    Assiton assimilators, Thalaron radiation, Trilithiuum resin, Cobat diselenide

    26) What species, known to the Borg as "species 329", was deemed unworthy of assimilation?

    Klingon, Tholian, Organian, Kazon

    27) In Mirror Mirror, what has replaced the United Federation of Planets? 

    Terran Empire, Klingon-Cardassian Alliance, Dominion, Romulin Empire

    28) What was Majel Barrett's first role on Star Trek? 

     M'Ress, Number One, Lwaxana Troi, Nurse Chapel 

    29) What kind of fish does Captain Picard keep in his ready room? 

    Clownfish, Suckekrmouth Catfish, Lionfish, Goldfish

    30) What ST:TNG prop was designed using an automotive air filter and a hairband?

    Positronic brain, Warp coil, Geordi's visor, Ressikan fluter

    31) Which of the following characters was trapped in a transporter buffer for 75 years?

    James T. Kirk, Hikaru Sulu, Leonard McCoy, Montgomery Scott

    32) What original Star Trek actor appeared in the pilot episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation?

    Leonard Nimoy, William Shatner, Deforest Kelly, Nichelle Nichols

    32) What character asks "Data" if he is fully functional?

    Tasha Yar, Captain Picard, Beverly Crusher, Deanna Troi

    33) Who was the first Kelpien to join Starfleet?

    Ash, Shazad, Kol, Saru

    34) What were the last words of the last episode of Star Trek: The Original Series?

    Engage, Scotty "beam us up", Anything is possible, I only...

     35) Who was originally offered the role of Spock?

    Martin Landou, Defores Kelley, Roger Moore, Dustin Hoffman

    36) What kind of pet does Captain Archer have on Enterprise?

    Turtle, Dog, Fish, Cat 

    37) What two stars of Star Trek Deep Space Nine, were actually married in real life in 1997?

    Michael Dorn and Terry Farrell, Alexander Siddig and Michael Dorn, Armin Shimerman and Nana Visitor, Alexander Siddig and Nana Visitor 

    38) Who was the first real astronaut to appear in any Star Trek series?

    Neil Armstrong, Mae Jemison, John Glenn, Christa McAuliffe

     

    #1 - Pavel 

    #2 - Vulcans

    #3 - James Doohan

    #4 - Odo 

    #5 - Benjamin Sisko 

    #6 - Bajorans

    #7 - Klingons

    #8 - T-Pol 

    #9 - Michael Burnham

    #10 - Lt. Lisa

    #11 - Jeri Ryan

    #12 - James Doohan

    #13 - Nyota

    #14 - Chocolate

    #15 - Excelsior 

    #16 - Trip 

    #17 - Jean-Luc Picard

    # 18 - Bajorans

     # 19 - Mekleth 

     #20 -  Genevie've Bujold

    #21 - Rigellians

    #22 - Odo 

    #23 - The Prophets

    #24 - Particle beam 

    #25 Thalaron radiation 

    #26 - Kazon

    #27 - Terran Empire

    #28 - Number One

    #29 - Lionfish

    #30 - Geordi's Visor 

    #31 - 

    #32 -