| MOTIVATION
 How
Do You Motivate a Teen?
Positive Discipline Associates. 21 Aug. 2004
Perhaps
the real question should be, "How Do You Motivate Parents to Use Effective
Methods to Motivate Teens?"
There
are many reasons why teens lack motivation -- to do what parents want them to
do. (You'll notice they don't lack motivation to do what they want to do -- talk
on the phone, skateboard, shop, party, etc.) For now, I'll mention just a few:
1. Parents nag and invite resistance.
2. Teens feel "conditionally loved" -- "I'm okay only if I
live up to your expectations." This hurts and they get even by
failing.
 3. Children aren't allowed to explore the relevance for themselves. They
are "told", but they don't explore. How many parents "tell"
their children what happened, what caused it to happen, how they should feel
about it, and what they should do about it? It is much more effective to ask
what and how questions as in No. 4.
4. Parents don't allow their children to learn from failure -- an excellent
motivator. One of the best ways to help children learn to be responsible
(motivated) is to be consciously irresponsible. Allow them to fail and
then be empathetic and help them explore what happened, how they feel about it,
what they learned from it, and what they could do in the future if they want
another outcome.
5. Regarding motivation to do chores, etc.; again teens are too often told
instead of invited to brainstorm and come
up
with a solution that works for everyone. Teens are much more motivated to follow
a plan they have helped create.
6. Parents expect teens to "remember to do their chores" as
though it were an indicator of responsibility. Most responsible adults were not
necessarily responsible teens. Even though teens are "more" motivated
to follow a plan they have helped create, they will still forget because it is
not high on their list of priorities. This does not mean they are irresponsible.
It means they are teens. A friendly reminder doesn't have to be a big deal. Use
your sense of humor and remind with your mouth shut. Point, use charades, or
write a note. If you have to say something, ask, "What did we agree to that
you have forgotten?"
7. Adults need to be kind and firm while holding teens accountable -- once
they have agreed upon a plan. It is just as easy to be kind while reminding as
it is to be unkind -- actually it is easier, because everyone feels better and
the job gets done without a power struggle. (Understanding that it is easier and
more effective is the hard part. Where did adults every get the crazy idea
that in order to make teens do better, first they have to make them feel worse.
8. Parents don't teach their children problem-solving skills through
family meetings and individual barnstorming sessions.
9. Parents don't help children learn time management skills through
involving them in the creation of routine charts. The key word is
"involving them."
10. Parents give their children too many things and then wonder why they
fail to be appreciative -- and instead just want more, more, and more.
11. Parents don't know how to say, "I love you, and the answer is
no."
12. Parents are more interested in short term results than long-range
results. For example, I'll make you do your homework now - even if it means you
will never do your best because you are too busy rebelling.
The following excerpt from the book,
"Positive
Time Out and 50 Other Ways to Avoid Power Struggles in Homes and Classrooms"
provides living examples of the twelve points that were been made in Part One,
which appeared in last month’s newsletter.
A teenager,
Emma, didn't do her homework. Her father asked her for an appointment to talk
with her and asked, "Which would work best for you, 6:30 or 7:00 this
evening?" (Giving Emma a choice allows her some power, which usually
invites cooperation instead of defensiveness. Waiting even a short time before a
discussion allows both adults and children some time-out for calmness instead of
the kind of attack and defensiveness that often happens when a discussion occurs
out of anger.) Emma chose 6:30 to get it over with.
At 6:30, Emma was surprised when her father started by asking, "I
wonder if you love yourself as much as I love you?"
Emma laughed and said, "What are you talking about, Dad?"
Dad said, "Well, I just wanted to let you know how much I love you. Because
of that, I have your best interests at heart. I just wondered if you love
yourself as much and if you think about your best interests?"
Emma was very suspicious, "Is this your way of conning me into doing my
homework.?"
Dad replied, "Why would I try to con you into doing your homework if you
don't think that would be good for you? We both know I can't make you do
anything you don't want to do. However, I am willing to help you explore what is
good for you, and I'm willing to help you create a plan that works for you to
accomplish what is best for you."
Emma said, "Okay, Dad. I'll do my homework." Dad invited Emma to
discuss the problem instead of using lectures and punishment, which she would
resist, resent, and rebel against. Emma quickly figured out that doing her
homework would be in her best interest.
Dad replied, "Honey, it doesn't work for me to have to remind you all the
time. That seems to create a conflict between us. I don't want to spend our time
that way. You wouldn't agree to do your homework if you didn't know that is in
your best interest. How about taking it a step further. You might find it
helpful to create a regular evening routine that includes the best time for you
to do your homework-one that would work for you and that would take me out of
the loop. You can show me what you come up with tomorrow night. I have faith in
you to know what kind of plan would work best for you."
Emma agreed. The next night she showed her dad the following plan:
3:30-4:00 Chill out after a hard day at school
4:00-4:30 Phone & Chat time with friends
4:30-5:30 Homework
5:30-6:00 Chill (and maybe help out a little) before dinner
6:00-6:30 Dinner
6:30-7:00 Finish homework if not completed
7:00-8:00 Favorite TV programs
Dad said, "Looks like a good plan. Now this routine can be the boss instead
of me. I think you will find this kind of organization very useful throughout
your life."
Many parents don't believe their teen would be as cooperative
as Emma was. If they have established a pattern of power struggles instead of
guiding their children to use their own power in useful ways, then they are
right-the teen probably won't cooperate. What parents usually mean by cooperate
is, "Do what I tell you to do." This definition does not invite
cooperation; it invites rebellion.
When teens don't want to cooperate, it
could be that parents and teachers have not created a cooperative environment
where the adolescents are truly involved in creating plans and guidelines and
brainstorming for solutions. Many children have more practice in trying to
protect their "sense of self" through resistance and rebellion against
being controlled instead of through self-control and cooperation.
Emma was used to having her parents turn the responsibility
for her actions over to her. They had spent many hours in regular family
meetings brainstorming for solutions to problems. Emma had been involved in
creating routines (bedtime, morning, mealtime) since she was two years old. Her
parents established this process early on in life.
Perhaps
the real question should be, "How Do You Motivate Parents to Use Effective
Methods to Motivate Teens?"
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